“Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: and yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? Or, What shall we drink? Or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow; for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.” (Matthew 6:27-34)
I put off writing many years because I was busy with my own agenda: working, providing, trying to be a good example while making a difference in the lives of others. Besides a wife and mom, I was a teacher who felt such a burden to be the noble example of a productive life committed to God. I felt it was my duty to be the example of what God wants us to be, not only for my own sake but for the sake of so many children who needed a godly role model to love and teach them. Woe unto me so high and mighty on my pedestal! I thought of myself as humble and hard-working, though I pushed away God’s leading in my life. I allowed others’ thoughts of me and advice to me to sway my decisions away from the direction God led me, the opposite of human sense and security.
I knew my health was bad and getting worse, but so far I had succeeded by living in spite of my conditions, ignoring the problems as much as possible and attending them only as much as needed to make them less noticeable in daily life. It worked for many years, and I kept trying to force the continuation. Often that’s what we do: bandage ourselves up to get back on the track as quickly as possible.
While perseverance is a virtue, often evil, stubborn self-centeredness is disguised as the same. Sometimes jumping back on the track or fighting to stay on is not what God wants us to do. Wisdom means knowing when to fight to stay on and when to acquiesce, or better yet, willingly embrace, what God wants you to do otherwise. Sometimes we fight so hard to stay on the wrong track because we feel a sense of pride, significance, and even ownership.
God gives us all varying talents and gifts with which we are to honor Him and bless others. Sometimes God wants us on one track for a while then wants us to let go, get off, and move to a different one. Folks who make major career changes move from one track to another. Sometimes we get tired of the track we are on and move of our own desires, not led by God. The important thing is to love God with our whole hearts and seek Him with all we are, to love and honor Him with what He has given us. Let God dictate your seasons of life and guide you as to what track He wants you on. Being on the right track at the time God appoints is what makes the difference in our own lives, the lives of others, and glorifies God.
I don’t want to test God’s patience like the children of Israel who followed God’s instructions to leave Egypt with the first Passover only to wander in the wilderness for forty years, refusing to take possession of the land God gave them and lamenting leaving their positions as slaves in Egypt (Exodus 11-19, Numbers 13-14). However, I feel that is exactly what I have done for so long. God called me to a different track in my life, but the safety and purpose of my old track made sense to me. I am so thankful that God has not turned me over to my own pride and lack of faith as He did the Israelites who were destined to die in the wilderness for their lack of faith and obedience.
I don’t want to die in my sorrow like that unfaithful generation of Israelites. God allowed my physical illnesses to finally boot me off track completely when I continued to cling desperately at any hope to jump back on. And I have certainly related to Jeremiah’s lamentation for the children of Israel in Lamentations 3, but the pain and suffering are not the end. God’s mercies are new each morning. I can never earn or deserve His love and compassion, but I can thank Him by living in faith moment by moment, not trying to plan my tomorrow and work out my purpose by my limited and weak human understanding.
Being sidelined for a couple of years really humbles you. God put me in a long time out for my own good. My health needed attention as well as did my relationship with God. I went through depression very bitterly asking God why such physical torment was happening to me. During a time of much healing, God continually reminded me that His track for me was to focus on my health and writing for Him. I still argued because writing is such a challenge with my health conditions. I kept looking ahead to what I considered the bigger picture, knowing that my health won’t allow me to write as a full-time job. There’s nothing more humbling than becoming so sick that you become truly aware of and thankful for each breath and each movement and function your body achieves.
What I finally had to grasp was that God was not asking me to look ahead and figure out the big picture. He was telling me what to do as I could right now, and that was writing, physical therapy, and a healthy lifestyle.
I have always found my worth in serving others, so when my existence, even after a couple years of recuperation, was all about my life continuing and my health growing stronger, God really put me in my place to know that His Will in fact will be accomplished with or without me, that I was not so important that His work would stop with my being sidelined.
Now God is patiently teaching me how to put my feet on a different wheel, one that I still am tempted to resist out of selfish pride. However, after being sidelined for so long while God nourished my heart, soul, mind, and body, I quickly push away the temptation for me to accomplish my own objectives for God. I still battle pride daily, but I know that the end thereof is death, and the result of trusting and obeying God is fullness of life in which I won’t worry about tomorrow or what I will have for provision of life.